Ninja Gaiden Oz edition
by Rapier09
Summary: This is what happens when a Ninja gets taken out of Kansa into the wild wild land of OZ.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Ninjapocalypse now

Ryu,for some reason, had decided to move to Kansas. He figured what the hell, he could make it big out there. Dig up some Crystal Skulls and finally buy that super cool upgrade for the Lunar Staff. Instead he was out there bicycling around with Kratos (of all things) in his hand-basket because some old lady wanted to take poor Kratos to the pound to have him neuteured.

That would not do.

"I am pretty sure things can't get worse then this." said Ryu as he looked at the dark clouds in the white and black landscape. It was then they came to a wagon on the side of the desolate road……there was only one sign next to it "Do not test" read the sign. Ryu recognized it immediately as a mark of the greater fiend. After kicking Kratos off the bike and telling him to go play with that cute lil dog over there. Ryu decided he had to investigate the caravan after using the handy Dragon Shrine located nearby-just in case something bad decided to bite him in there. He also bought a couple grains of Spirit from the nearby Smith Shrine which were quite common in Kansas.

Kratos meanwhile was busy remembering that godawful day when he killed his family in a fit of violent drunke…………uh when Ares made him kill his family. Then also made him kill everything else. "ARES,YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME" Shouted Kratos at the sky.

"WTF IS GOING ON?" shouted a man with a shotgun who came out of the caravan "IS THIS SOME KIND OF OAKIE BS?".

"He is always like that" whispered Ryu "Especially when someone threatens to have chemically sterilized."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY FAGGOT?" said the guy. "Look Willow, sir, I have shit to do like take this guy here to the pound" said Ryu as he slided the dragon-sword out of its sheath. "Now are you going to keep waving that thing in the air or…..Kratos stop trying to shove it up there;not going to fit." muttered the ultimate Ninja as the Ghost of Sparta found a creative use for the boom-stick.

"They said you were dead." said the Willow as he unloaded his shotgun, wiped off the barrel and pulled his pants up. "I was but then the spirts of my ancestors send me this raving lunatic to save me" said the Ninja.

"ARES I AM GONNA SKULLFUCK YOU AND ZEUS AND EVERYONE ELSE." yelled good ole Kratos. "I know just the cure for that kind of idiot…." said the caravan guy.

"I kind of need him like this" said Ryu slowly putting his sword back into place and opening a beer at the same time with a shuriken. "How the fuck?" said da Willowz/

"Long story……."


	2. Chapter 2

Eldorado

Ryu walked into the crappy burned out trailer, his feet making no sound as he walked over the trash and the many discarded pieces of electronics on the floor. He wore a suit of black along with a silver falcon head and a veil with a cold look in his eyes.

Willow wore dirty overalls a shirt and the meanest shit eating grin in the world.

"Smells of meth, cum and cheap booze. " whispered Ryu. "Say something?" said the trailer guy "You're going to tell me about the guy or not?Is he Canadian?".

"He says he is from Mani, Lakota or some forgotten lande……….calls himself a Ghost." said the Ninja as he booted up a computer. "Now how much porn would I find on this piece of crap anyway?" muttered the current holder of the Ninja sword.

ARES!!!!!!!!!! From outside."looks like you picked a real winner." shivered Da Willowz "Does he at least use deodorant?"

"About as much as your Canadian." said Ryu as he used his mad ninja skillz to mess up with the Windows interface. "You got in way over your head again"

"I met the guy in Vegas, he was out fighting it out with Zack…..then he got mauled by a 18 wheeler." Ryu looked up "Didn't seem to phase him one bit and by the way I noticed you have been truck driving again/"

"Maybe fighting in the middle of the road at night might not be the smartest thing someone can do." said Willow "Mind you the one time I did try that I ended up smashing the other guy in the path of a land cruiser." He looked pensively then sighed "……at least the cops didn't have to write anything up about me, I was long gone by then."

"So this crystal ball is going to find me a new place to live, a job and hopefully the location of the new Archfiend" said Ryu( completely ignoring Willow). "Apparently someone stole some evil Relic buried under the Dragon temple………every year some sicko raids us why is there a blue screen?why is Bill Gates still alive?"

"Calm yourself Ninja." said a loud baritone voice "There is an internet Café just down the road." "It is called a Starbucks…." said the dude from Sparta.

"Anal?" said Willow quite pointetly.


	3. Chapter 3

Ghost Story

"Look we've just met, maybe if could get to know each other first….." said Kratos staring at the man from the trailer. His brow furrowed strangely from an emotion other then rage.

"Another winner, you sure he is not Canadian?" said Willow looking over at Ryu. "Why does it take so long for your computer to reboot and why don't I call the Feds about the meth lab you have out back? We all have questions we want answered, Jake." said the Ninja removing his silver head piece. Revealing a face that wasn't that odd.

"Have it your way. Either way you owe me one." said the olde trailer trash

The Computer being about the cheapest piece of crap Best Buy( in Kansas no less had in store) decided at that moment to freeze. "You couldn't get Alienware?" said Ryu rotating his chair and casually playing with a rusted shuriken on one hand. "You're gonna pay for it dude?" said Willow as he grabbed the chair and leaned in.

"Either way you're getting an interesting weather report, hope your living space is tornado proof" as he got off the chair and looked around the stinky trailer. Kratos in the meantime was just thinking about that one time when GAIA betrayed him…….."WHY BITCH WHY?"

"OK………." said Willow "Can you 2 clowns get moving to wherever you were going before I call the cops?"

"I still need that 9" whispered Ryu "What kind of Ninja uses a firearm?" as Willow reached past the Dragon Ninja and grabbed something off the top of the fridge "Don't hurt too many people with it…..this time"

"Just in case my usual methods fail." said Ryu as he took the gun from Willow's outstretched hand, pushed the slide back and checked the chamber…..it was loaded and the safety was off. "Good man, I will send you that Demon Sword you wanted."

"Make sure you use Fed Ex, UPS fucked up last time and now my neighbor's got some greater fiend statue." babble Willow as the Ninja happily stacked clips into his belt "I'd ask for it but it is just so awkward dealing with the neighbor."

"BY ATHENA(WHO BETRAYED ME OF COURSE),I SAW NO NEIGHBOR,YOUR TRAILER IS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE."said the mighty ghost of Sparta as his eyes blazed like those of a meth hound.

"Are you fags going or not?There is a twister on the way." said Willow pointing at the door

"Well call me Gun-dulf but I will be going my way,take care my friend." said Ryu as he glided over the beer soaked carpet in a way only Ninjas could.

"I am not wearing any panties." whispered Willow

"Neither am I." said Ryu

"WTF?" moaned Kratos

Sky looked black as hell and winds seem to be picking up Ryu obligatorily saved at the Dragon Status while Kratos played with his Blades of Chaos while screaming about ZEUS as he was want to do. "Get in the basket, Kratos, we got get home before the typhoon hits."

"HELL YEAH" said Kratos as he jumped in the doggie basket and Ryu began to pedal across the desolate Kansas wasteland. The white and black contrast between the houses and the desolate fields burning in his eyes like the plains of Hades and the desolate cities of Athena/Sparta.

He then began to remember his family and his tourette syndrome. "OH MY GOD ARES,YOU FILTHY SON OF A BITCH. I SHALL HUNT YOU DOWN TO THE END OF THE WORLD." went across the barren Kansas landscape.

Meanwhile the evil Greater fiend Volf the lord of the Storm, who had moved stateside after the 'Aqua city incident' Howled to the land around him "WHO THE FUCK IS ZEUS? WHO FUCK IS THIS JAFFE WHO KEEPS IMING ME?I AM THE LORD OF THUNDER AND I SAY LET IT BLOW."

And blow it did as winds turned up the dust and RYU using his mad ninja skillz went cross country with the bike with Kratos jumping up and down in the basket….yelling about ARES.

After jumping the third ditch and slicing through the fourth barbwire fence and dodging around the 5th silo of grain. They made it to Ryu's current domicile….a run down shack out in an empty field with a sign saying "Stay out" in a forgotten type of Japanese.

The winds kept picking up dirt and bits of plants across the surface of the empty plains. The corn rustled as lighting streaked across the sky.

"At least this will keep the lil bastards who bitch nonstop about the one who walk behind the rows to ground." said Kratos "Can't you end him?" said Ryu as he methodically chained his bicycle to a lamp-post that just happened to grow by his house.

"I don't have a cellar, an attic or a tornado proof shelter…..best thing to do." at that point a pig went flying overhead across the sky "Oh I do wish Joe was here to tell me to do but he is not ". "Hmm…."as a tractor smashed into the house.

"Hey Ninja,how about we lock ourselves in the closet." said Kratos as he kicked in the door. "Hmm the closet sounds fine." At that point parts of the roof started flying off into the funnel overhead.

"You will pay for this Vvolf." said Ryu as he looked up before ducking(ninja duck style) into the house. "Hey hommie, sometimes you just have to let go." said the Spartan as he smashed the closet door down.

"Of all people…"said the Ninja as he ripped off what was left of the closet door and drove his sword into the wall.

"What do you have against people anyway?"

"………." the wind swirling into the house made that response undecipherable.


	4. Chapter 4

Screw your irrigation fantasy

Hidden in the closet,laying right next Kratos( they're not gay just really close) Ryu heard Volf's tempest smash across the house."We're gonna die." muttered Ryu as he felt himself being dragged out of the closet "Don't worry hell isn't that bad since I nailed Hades….."

"Nailed?" whispered Ryu as he locked the Dragon blade into the closet wall even as the winds seem to be about to break the closet door if not the whole house apart and he could almost feel the dust and the rest of Kansas settling into his lungs.

"I strangled him with his own guts……" said Kratos "Hey I can see my family in the storm." Indeed visions of his family members seemed to dance before both their eyes. He remembered his wife and his daughter and his servants along with his favorite goat. He'd been using both hands to brace himself into the closet, staring straight ahead at the storm at the debris swirling all around him.

There all the people he'd killed in that night of roid induced rage, roids that had been given to him by Ares of course, where out there dancing around the inside of a giant cyclone.

"Must be some more of the Archfiend's sorcery." said Ryu as he checked out Kratos's dead-wife…..'her boobs are kind of small' he thought but she didn't look too bad.

"I had the same shit happen to me when I was doing acid, Ninja guy, sweet Zeus that sucked dick." mumbled Kratos as he kept pushing against the closet walls.

"Hey I can see that asshole who flipped us off when we jaywalked……" said Ryu as he kept a hold of Kratos's legs as the storm seemed to twist them faster and faster.

"Remember where I shoved his finger after I ripped it off?" said Kratos as one of his fist punched through one of the walls.

"I think I just smashed the third-wall….." he muttered "FUCKING ARES STILL TRYING TO GET ME AFTER ALL THESE YEARS."

"Urrgh my ears, why do I always hang out with these loud obnoxious people?" said Ryu "Like Ayanne whenever she gets excited….or that freak Zack."

At that point the house ceased it spinning and end up smashing into solid ground which didn't make our heroes(to their credit) budge for an inch.

Although Kratos did hurl all over Ryu of course.

"Hey it is not Monochrome anymore…….we must have left Hades." said Kratos "Looks like the Hayabusha village when it is not getting burned down….." whispered Ryu as he wiped the puke from his eyes.

"IF YOU DON'T SECEDE AT FIRST, TRY AND TRY AGAIN." shouted a high pitched voice coming from among the flowers.

"Hey it looks like we interrupted someone's tea time…."said Ryu "I'll apologize like 20 times that always works."

"TEA PARTY." screamed another shrill voice

"Oh god must be some sort of pedo heaven." said Kratos as he looked at all the short people running waving tea-cups and sporting stars and bars on their arms.

"Sweet," said Ryu looking at the bright lil houses and finally finding a Dragon shrine right by what looked to be the burned down ruin of the mayor's house.


	5. Chapter 5

Munchkin suicide

"So basically there is these bunch of green psychos keeping you in Chains?." said Kratos as he talked to the Munchkin Rebel leader.

"Do you want a lolipop?" said the Munchkin Rebel

"Why yes I'd be delighted….." said the Spartan.

"WELL YOU CAN'T HAVE ONE ,WE'RE ALL OUT OF LOLIPOPS SINCE THOSE CRAZIES FROM OZ TOOK EVERYTHING FROM US." screamed the Munchkin.

Ryu took a time to appraise his surroundings while the children were speaking. There must be some place he could get wasted.

One of these altars, Kratos used from time to time, was out there in the middle of the town square. The buildings around it looked like they were something out of Hades,demolished and rotting from the inside out.

He'd seen worse but there was just something wrong with this picture. The Munchkins with their stars and bars insignias looked like they hadn't had anything to eat in a while.

He looked around and entered a nearby dwelling, his Ninja sense was tingling and there lay on a shrine to a woman with a cone shaped hat……..his lunar staff."Always good to run into this thing." he whispered.

He picked it and "twirled it" around, it was completely un-upgraded of course. Still it managed to smash the crap out of the pots and level the flowers with ease.

Half the Munchkins looked up unsure if they'd heard anything.

Meanwhile Ryu continued to vandalize half of Munchkin town looking for his precious essence. Kratos on the other hand, being uninjured, kept his Spartan cool and didn't kill the lil bastards for their precious precious health.

"HEY IS THAT FAGGOT FRIEND OF YOURS ON DRUGS OR SOMETHING?HE'S SMASHING THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF EVERY FLOWER POT IN TOWN." said the Mayor.

"I WAS GONNA GO ALL OUT WITH THE WELCOME COMITEE BUT HMMM NO………….."continued to scream the mayor in his Minuteman outfit.

"I have no fight with you lil man." said Kratos

"However Ryu is right….you can find good things in the most unexpected places."

Continued Kratos

"HEY GHOST,I FOUND A LOLIPOP." yelled Ryu halfway down the pink brick road (for it had been repainted due to changes in urban planning).

"YOU LIED TO ME, MAYOR." screamed Kratos

With lighting speed Kratos ripped out the right eye of the Mayor using only his pinky and his index finger. The Munchkin Mayor then head butted Kratos across the nuts.

"OH YOU MOTHERFUCKER."

Sharp midget teeth bit through his inner thigh artery severing it and pissing off Kratos even more. Kratos ripped out his Blades of Hates out of his "secret hiding space". Which he proceeded to stab into the forehead of the Mayor.

He then went riding the Mayor straight down the pink bricked road while whirling his blades across the faces of any Munchkins he met.

"Where is Nessarose and where is the Mayor?" came a quiet voice. "I am not trying to crash this party but I've got to find my sister."

"Who would you be?" said Ryu as he quietly assessed her. Small breasts, green skin and a man's face.

Urggh

"My name doesn't matter, where is my sister young man?"

"Young?" said the Ninja

"FUCK YOU ARES AND YOUR RACE OF FUCKING BEASTMASTER MIDGET FUCKS….."

"Pardon me?" said the dame

"That would be my friend….Your name?"

Ignoring him the woman continued "Where is my sister? I heard the Munchkins had been rising and I was afraid of her safety?"

"Milady……….we fear your sister is dead." said a Munchkin wearing a Che T-shirt and a woman's wig.


	6. Chapter 6

Let them drink Sake

"I don't think I saw your sister." said Ryu as he followed the green woman and the communist midget over to his house which was now a pile off a rubble over some hooker.

"Those are some freaky socks, the kind ducks wear…………"

"What are you saying young man?"

"See there is these things called swans and they use their partner's issue as foot bathing instead of their own. Your sister looked like she washed her own feet.""Who the fuck are you?"

"Let see if your sister is still alive."

Ryu knelt with his hand on his sword's pom. Not so much because he was afraid of the dead hooker but because her sister might just decide to see if she was alive.

Then the feet sank below the house.

"Didn't have time to verify my theory……" said Ryu

"Mister…….you are not from around here are you?" mentioned the green woman.

"Noo." whispered Ryu as he started looking for an escape route in case the small-breasted woman tried to rape him.

She grabbed his arm or tried to grab it anyway. Ryu looked at her once. He'd never met Madam Morrible, never learned magic through corespondence. Anymore then he'd learned from fighting Zack. Sometimes you could get a real feel for his history.

She backed away for a second.

"My name…………."

"Elphaba…………." yelled a woman in white with red hair.

"Galinda or is it in Gilinda?" said the green one

"HEY NINJA,I GOT SOME NEW SHOES." said Kratos as he came behind Gilinda.

"Nice slippers, Kratos, where did you find them?

"That Goddess gave them to me."

"Galinda,you didn't…………."

"Dear, sometimes it is better to give rather then receive.""So Kratos, what happened to that midget?"

"I made a diaper cake out of that motherfucker. I broke grinded his bones and I used his vital organs."

"Did he sing dixie?"

"I told him that life is basically a cake of shit that you make yourself and sometimes you have to eat that cake. Then sometimes you are that pastry. He was kind of loud for a while…………."

"I think I am in love." said Elphaba

"I saw him first,dear." from Galinda.


End file.
